Saturday, June 18, 2011

Almost One Whole Year

Since she left.
The change in the weather brought so many feelings to the surface.
Feelings I have been ignoring in the effort of keeping things together and running a family. Living a life.
Next month marks one year since my beautiful mum died.

Yesterday my Kaisercraft goodies arrived. Instead of the excited feeling I got last year, all I could remember was that I received my Kaisercraft goodies 2 days before we go the phone call from mum telling us she was sick.
She was so brave. Instead of letting dad ring and talk to us all, she wanted to speak with each of us. To reassure us. She was SUCH a good mum.
The cooler weather feels like it did this time last year. The time of year my world kind of shattered. I feel constantly fragile. Constantly close to tears.
I seem to be focused on the night before mum died when she rang us to let us know that she had dropped her vomit bag on the floor and couldn't reach it, and that no nurses were answering her buzzer. Why didn't I go back? (I now keep a change of underwear in my handbag at all times, in case I need to stay somewhere without knowing beforehand...I let the lack of a change of underwear stop me from spending precious hours with my mum?!?!)
I feel sick every time I think of how when I was offered the opportunity to sit with her and massage her sore shoulders and neck that final afternoon, that I let my sister go in. Don't get me wrong...I am so happy that my sis got to spend that time with mum, but I thought there would be so many more opportunities.
I was so wrong.
I have been woken up every morning at about 5am with dreams about mum. Dreams where no matter what I do, I can't get to her. I can't make her hear me. She is surrounded by everyone but me.
I can't believe that such an amazing woman can have been gone for a year, and its like nothing has changed. The world has just kept going.
It seems so very very wrong.
So much of this is wrong.
So much of me is still unable to comprehend that she is truly gone.
That I will never see her again.
That I will never be able to speak to her again.

I am such a mess of yucky emotions.
This time of year sucks.