Monday, November 29, 2010

4 Months

Today, since my mum left us.
I remember that day like it was yesterday. The hurting still feels like it was yesterday.
That morning my dad my sisters and I went in to the hospital early to be greeted with some incredible news. Mum had decided to proceed with chemo and treatment.
We were elated.
My sisters and I went and had a coffee.
My brothers arrived and we excitedly told them the good news.
We talked to aunts, telling them that maybe visits should be postponed until after treatment (mum had said she didn't want any visitors, she was too sick. We didn't physically stop anyone from visiting - despite what one person would have us believe. We just recommended that they not come yet. I still think this was the right thing, despite it being hard to say. We did what mum wanted.)
We snatched moments with mum throughout the day.
We spent most of the day in the waiting room. Just waiting for a stolen moment with her.
At 5 o'clock my little sis was asking to go late night shopping. Luckily we didn't go.
At 6 o'clock my dad came running out to tell us all to come in. It wasn't looking good. I will never forget his face.

We ran into the room. Mum looked sick. Sicker. I have never seen such a change in a person.
We sat and held her hands. We told her we loved her.
At 8 o'clock, she was gone.

I have so many regrets just thinking about her last day.
We left her to sleep on the Wednesday night, about 2 hours after we left, dad got a phone call from mum. She had dropped her sick bag and the nurses weren't responding to her. Why didn't I jump in the car and go back to her? I could have spent so many more precious hours with her. I could have just been there for her, like she was for me so many times throughout my life.
That afternoon, instead of telling my sister to go in and spend time with her, I should have taken it.
So many regrets.
If I knew then, what I know now.
And I know I can't change anything. I know she died knowing we love her. I know all that. But it doesn't stop the 'what ifs'.

I just feel dead inside. Like if someone was to look into my eyes, they would find nothing. yet I am expected to do and be so much to so many. Like nothing has changed. I feel as if, when such an amazing woman left us, that everything should have stopped. Should have changed. But it doesn't. Everything is the same...but so different.

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever; I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one:
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods:
For nothing now can ever come to any good
W.H. Auden

And yes. I do have good days...I have days when I can remember her and smile. And I know they will become more frequent.

I know that the dreams will slowly stop. The horrible dreams where I am trying in vain to get to her. Where I am trying to save her. I know they will stop.

I just miss her. And am trying to come to terms with my own regrets.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

I Done Some Scrapping!

Wicked Princesses are hosting a Cyber Crop this weekend...and I actually got some LOs done...often I register, with the best of intentions, and then, thats as far as I get. *Life* happens, and scrapping gets pushed aside ;)
So this weekend I got Kerry's challenge done...
*Create a Lo using a christmassey word, and then having an item on your page that corresponds with each letter in that word*
I chose the word Merry
Stupid really cause ummm...there are not many emby's or items that start with 'y'.
M - Mist
E -Embroidery thread
R - Rhinestones (The ... after the word 'soccer')
R - Rub on
Y - Yellow! And I also got Krissy's sketch done!

I am still hoping to get Kate's handcut title challenge done, but I don't like my chances!! I have birthday cakes to cook!

Happy Birthday!

To the love of my life.
I really am quite glad you were born.
I hope you enjoy your day...the presents, the relaxing, the spoiling, the *yawn* cricket and the cakes!
You mean the world to the kids and I :)

Happiest of happy birthdays to you my love.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Hidden Journalling

Another LO with the Kaisercraft After Five collection.
Have I mentioned that this is my fave KaiserCraft range so far??
I really wanted to focus on using those cute journal tag pads that come with each range.
I often create my projects, and forget all about them, and the designs are usually far too cute to be forgotten! So this month I created a little booklet for some hidden journalling. A lot of the journalling I do on the LOs about my mum really don't need to be shared with the world...most people looking through my albums just want to quickly flick through, not read for ages ;)
I simply journalled on the tags for as long as I wanted.
I then mounted the tags on some accordian folded strips of Card. The strips needed to be longer than 12', so I simply joined strips when necessary in the 'hill' folds with double sided tape.

And then tucked it neatly away.

Aren't the beiges in this collection gorgeous?

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Just for Sharon and Alanna ;)

In my last post Sharon and Alanna asked how I store my lumpy bumpy LOs.
I just store them in a regular 12x12 protector and then in these Print Blocks 3 ring binders. I usually trim about 5mm off the top and side of the page to give me a bit of 'wriggle room' I can't fit many in each album, but they seem to be okay in there!
How do you all store your LOs? Does anyone else have a *few* in boxes without albums?? LOL

KaiserCraft Blogging :)

Its my week to blog over at KaiserCraft this week. And, its all with my new favourite range After Five! I absolutely love love love this range!
Got a wedding to scrap? Perfect!
21st? Great!
Graduation? Awesome!
Like truly..sooo versatile, and its gender neutral, so it would be easy to use for anything!
I added a little touch of pastel pink on this LO, which really 'girlied' things up.
I had forgotten what an amazingly beautiful bride my little sister was.
And these Prima roses...*love*

And my new fave thing to do, is to use my scraps and any favourite techniques to make a card to add to my card stash.

If I don't use the scraps, the kids discover them and use them to create their own masterpieces!
Thanks for stopping by :)

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

I Woke Up This Morning...

As I do most mornings...LOL
Stumbled blearily through the kitchen towards a shower and then some caffeine...
Past my whiteboard to see this :) Chari had written me a love note.
(I love mum, you are a star, you are a shining star, you rock my world, you have a beautiful voice- just in case you couldn't make it out)
But my favourite part was this P.S.

(To dad, do not be offended I love you as much as mum from Charlotte).
She's a funny little egg.
I'm going to leave it up cause it makes me smile :)

Monday, November 22, 2010

Get Picky!

I have been busting to try this new challenge site Get Picky...I am a bit of a lazy scrapper. I tend to stick to my single photo LOs, and be done with it. I like that this site is challenging me to get out of my single pic *rut* and put a few on each page!
This month's sketch was nice and gentle LOL just two pics...yep, even this lazy scrapper can cope with that!
These are photos of my mum on her first day of school.
So cute! I used the gorgeous Storyboard kit for this month. I love these kits. Lisa seems to have SUCH a knack for coordinating patterns and product in ways that just work! Every month that I get my kit I discover a new fave product or paper that I never would have bought left to my own devices!

And this month...My new fave is this alpha! (or the teal and yellow polka dot paper...can't decide...two new faves this month??)

Love it!
Thanks for stopping by.
And again, thank you SO much for the love and support you guys give me. I am finding your loving comments so so precious and helpful during this time. Thank you.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Not over it yet.

Someone asked my sister during the week if she was *still* sad about mum dying.
Yeah, apparently the greiving time allocated for losing the woman who loved you, raised you is about 4 months.
Apparently, my sister isn't healed yet. And her friend was surprised by this.
I am still devastated.
By the realization that I won't see her, be held by her or talk to her again.
And I know that people visiting here are probably over hearing about how sad I am, but if one person reads my *stuff* and realizes that its okay to be sad *still* after losing someone amazing in their life, then I am okay with still writing.
I am just so lost. *still*
I am so angry with people. Little things set me off. Reading Facebook status updates about someone being SO EXCITED about Christmas, when I am struggling to imagine my first Christmas without her.
Irrational? yes, absoltutely. But how I feel nonetheless.
I spoke to my dad the other day, and spent the rest of the day alternating between sobbing and being so angry that I could barely form a sentence.
He is hurting so very much. He has been let down by some people from whom he shouldn't have been let down by. Hurt by careless throw-away remarks. And I am hurting for him.
My whole heart wants to be down in Ballina with him. Helping him. Protecting him. And I am frustrated because I just can't.
And then because my heart is down there, I am doing a half a$$ed job here with my family.
I am struggling through a unit for university that I enrolled in way back in May. I enrolled in it, because it was going to be a snap, because my mum was going to help me. We had talked about it. And now she isn't helping. She's not here to ask advice. She's gone.
I am struggling with simple things, like keeping my house clean and keeping up to date with assignments, deadlines.
I feel a bit hollow.
I think the only thing keeping me slightly 'on track' are my happy pills. Yeah. So very thankful I was still taking them...I had wanted to stop earlier in the year, and my doctor recommended against it. *phew*
So yeah.
I am *still* sad. I am *still* not healed.
Sorry its taking so long.
I don't know what a normal time frame for this is.

Day 19

Of my Thirty Days Of Me!
Another picture of yourself!
Man, that was HARD...I have hardly any photos of myself!
This one was taken on Mick and my's last date.
Two years ago. It was wonderful.
A whole night to ourselves at a fancy schmancy motel.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Day 18

Of My Thirty Days!
Something you crave a lot of....
*sigh* I have so many cravings..but I am giving you my top two!
I crave the beach.
So so much. Even putting this pic up makes me yearn just to be there. I love the smell, the wind, the feeling. Surprisingly, I hate sand. LOL
I just love to watch the beach.
Love it.
I can't wait to go back down to visit dad at Christmas time!

And my number two craving?
Junk food from maccas

And pizza hut.

Not having them out here, yet still getting the TV ads seems cruel LOL
I miss me some good old junk food!

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Day 17.

Of my Thirty Days :)
A recent family photo.
Well, here 'tis.
Us in all our rainy friday night glory :) The whiteness of Sam's shorts only JUST survived the trip from the car inside the kindy. Sam and white shorts=not a good combination.
Cute? Yes!
Practical? No.

I love that my sis buys them perfectly co ordinating outfits for Christmas each year! I thought she would give up once the boy arrived on the scene, but never to be beaten, she has instead gotten BETTER!
Thanks Clarey :)

Thanks for stopping by friends...I am back off to bed. This bug has ZAPPED me :-/

Saturday Sketch :)

Is up over on the KaiserCraft blog!
I loved this sketch! I used 3 instead of two photos, and the shield type shape instead of a circle in my background. I also used my fave christmas line this year 'Tis The Season :)
Love these Prima christmas flowers!
Thanks for stopping by!

Friday, November 12, 2010

Thank you mummy :)

I've been sick this week.
I think I have the Flu. Like the real flu...with fevers and aches and all, not a measly little cold masquerading as the 'flu' (one of my pet hates...people saying they have *the flu* when its a cold Grrr)
Or ebola.
My googling was a little unclear.
The symptoms seem so similar... After alternating between sweating and freezing on Wednesday night, I decided to change my sheets.
Mum used to change our sheets when we were sick.
She always said it was nice to hop into a fresh bed if you were feeling sick, and now its my first reaction both for myself and for my kids...

And so last night, after feeling like crap and dragging myself around all day, I climbed into my bed with its lovely fresh sheets.
And I was immediately transported back about 30 years.
I felt completely and utterly comforted for just a brief moment.
It was like my mum was there, smoothing my hair from my forehead and tucking me in.
And I felt safe.
I swear my soul sighed the word 'mummy'.

Thank you mummy. All those little things you did for us kids growing up made a BIG impact on our lives. The nurturing you did back then, still counts all these years later.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Day 16

Of my Thirty Days of Me!
Woohoo! Over halfway!
Todays prompt is to reveal your celebrity crush.
Now I was torn. I have so many LOL
But my top 2..
Chris O'Donell.
Only made MORE attractive by the fact that he has 5 children and been married for 13ish years. *swoon*
And my other crush?
Shemar Moore from Criminal Minds.

I love when he calls the blonde computer girl in the show 'baby girl'

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Day 15

Of my Thirty Days of Me!
Something you never leave the house without...
Now a few years ago, this was easy!
I never went anywhere without my babies.
Now that they are all at school, I find myself often going places without them, and its sad :(
I remember at the time feeling kind of smothered and frustrated at never having time to myself. Now, I miss them. I remember Mum telling me how quickly the time goes when they are little, and me thinking at the time, that time wasn't going fast enough!
Well, its flown.
Once again, mum was right.
So now my never leave the house without item is....

lip gloss.
A lot less demanding, and a lot less fun LOL
I loves me a good lip gloss.
I have it stashed everywhere.
Even in my work station at work.
In my handbag, my car, my pockets, my scrapping bag.
Thanks for stopping by!

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Lets Get Shabby #17

We recently got some family photos taken as part of a fundraiser for the local kindy. You know the as chips sitting and first photo, then BAM $8278719 for the rest of the prints ;)
And who can resist the extra prints once you see your babies in glorious technicolour???
I always buy the pack.

This month's Shabby Challenge seemed perfect for this sweet pic of my from my *pack* of photos.
This month's challenge involved raiding your sewing box. I love using sewing type stuff on my LOs.
The LO had to have at least three discernible sewing box items.

I have at least three...

*Stitching using thread from my sewing box
*muslin scrap

After not scrapping for more than a week, this felt a bit *clunky*, but I like the mix of colours, and I love that pic :)

Nothing like a good pic to get me wanting to create!
Thanks for stopping by, and a million thank-yous to everyone for your beautiful messages on yesterday's post. I appreciate that you shared your condolences and your grief stories with me. So so much.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Bad Week.

I really don't know what I am doing with this whole grief *thing*.
I had a good week, then this past week has been a bad week.
I miss her.
So much. And as cliched as it is, I am feeling angry. (Any reading on grief I have ever done tells me that anger is normal)
I'm not angry with mum. I am kinda angry with the world.
Everyone's tiny little problems seem so very inconsequential.
And then I feel guilty.
And then I feel sad.
None of these are the fun type of emotions to feel.

I just want her back. I am finally allowing myself to slowly touch on the fact that she isn't coming back. I hadn't tackled that bit yet. Not really. I don't even know how to do it.
And every now and then this week, that has hit me full force.

She was so full of fun and life and had so many plans and dreams. It doesn't seem right that she is gone.
For forever.

I spoke to a beautiful lady during the week who lost her precious baby daughter last year. It was incredible to speak to someone who *gets* the very basics of what I am feeling. The memory lapses, the lack of attention span, the floundering, and yep, even the angry.

The first thing I went to do when I got home from talking to this lady was to ring mum to tell her about it.

I am just floundering.

I am trying. Really really trying to keep going with the wife/mum/daughter/work/uni stuff. But my heart isn't there.
Its down with my family.
As I said to Mick though, I don't even know if I really want to go down. Because being there just highlights the fact that the one I want to see isn't there.

I miss her.

Day 14

Of my 30 days of me
Name a television show that you are addicted to Modern Family.
Love it!


Of my little stash give away...
Is #4
Yay Kristal!

(I went to that random number creator site, but the whole copying the actual image proved FAR too hard for my non-technological self..sorry!)

Kristal, just let me know your addy and I'll post off your goodies :) (My email addy is

Thank you SO much for entering everyone. I wish I had a little parcel for each of you :(
I think, that another little giveaway is in order though, cause that was FUN!

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Day 12

and 13 of my Thirty Days of Me. Yeah, Lame. I know.
Day 12 is to show a photo of the town that you live in.
I make no secret of the fact that I hate the town where we live. For many many reasons, but my main reason is that we are so very far from where the people I want to be near are. I dearly, desperately want to be near my family, but can't quite afford to live there. One day. Its good to have dreams right?
We live on the main street.
Its a very quiet main street.
This is looking down towards the *busy* part. LOL
Yeah. Its pretty quiet.
And day 13 is to share your favourite musician.
My favourite musician is my friend KT, who will be HUGE one day. I heard it here first :) Her first CD is coming out soon, and I am sooo excited for her. Not only is she madly talented, but she is one of the most truly beautiful people I have ever met.
My next fave musician is Kate Heidke-Miller.

And one of my fave Kate Heidke-Miller songs...

Maybe I have a *thing* for the name Kate/Katie ;)

Thanks for stopping by!
I will draw a weiner (heh)for my little scrappy giveaway on Saturday morning - and NO dad!! You can't win it then wrap it up for me for Christmas!