Saturday, November 6, 2010

Bad Week.

I really don't know what I am doing with this whole grief *thing*.
I had a good week, then this past week has been a bad week.
I miss her.
So much. And as cliched as it is, I am feeling angry. (Any reading on grief I have ever done tells me that anger is normal)
I'm not angry with mum. I am kinda angry with the world.
Everyone's tiny little problems seem so very inconsequential.
And then I feel guilty.
And then I feel sad.
None of these are the fun type of emotions to feel.

I just want her back. I am finally allowing myself to slowly touch on the fact that she isn't coming back. I hadn't tackled that bit yet. Not really. I don't even know how to do it.
And every now and then this week, that has hit me full force.

She was so full of fun and life and had so many plans and dreams. It doesn't seem right that she is gone.
For forever.

I spoke to a beautiful lady during the week who lost her precious baby daughter last year. It was incredible to speak to someone who *gets* the very basics of what I am feeling. The memory lapses, the lack of attention span, the floundering, and yep, even the angry.

The first thing I went to do when I got home from talking to this lady was to ring mum to tell her about it.

I am just floundering.

I am trying. Really really trying to keep going with the wife/mum/daughter/work/uni stuff. But my heart isn't there.
Its down with my family.
As I said to Mick though, I don't even know if I really want to go down. Because being there just highlights the fact that the one I want to see isn't there.

I miss her.


Tanya Tahir said...

I know nothing I say is going to make it better. I'm thinking of you. BIG HUGS Kirsty xxx

jacqui jones said...

take your time with it all kirst. whatever you feel is ok.

i don't think u ever get over this type of loss, more like you learn to live with it in the background. Any type of grief is a funny thing.

i truly believe that while she might be gone from this life, she is still out there, i've listened to my mum talk about my step fathers passing, she tells me the expression on his face was awe. She reckons he stepped into the arms of someone he knew that day. You'll see her again after you have experienced everything your life has to offer.

Kerryn said...

Just know that what you are feeling is normal, it's ok to be angry too. I remember vividly something my hubby said on the way home from the hospital the day his brother died - if there is a god, I hate him right now.

Even though we are miles apart, know my thoughts are with you Kirsty.

Peggy said...

Hi Kirsty,

I have some blogs I "stalk"... they're the ones I read, or look at people's work, without leaving a comment. I find it's just impossible to leave a comment on all of the blogs I read, it just would take up too much of my time. Every once in a while, I add a blog into my blog roll because I love the work, telling myself I'll get around to reading it later, but I hardly ever do. However, just a few days ago, I discovered Google reader. Lame, I know, I have been blogging for over two years and I just found out about that LOL. Anyway, this is how I finally found the opportunity to "discover" your blog all over again. I've just spent some time reading your older posts, and I really like your blog, the mixture of personal stuff and scrapping stuff is highly appealing and makes a very interesting read.
I'm very sorry for your loss. I still have my mom in my life, so I can't imagine what it's like to lose her, but I did lose my grandmother 8 years ago. She was very special to me, and I find that so much of what you're feeling right now is the same as what I have felt before. It struck a nerve with me... It does get better, though some of these feelings never disappear. And I found in time I don't want all of them to disappear. All of these feelings are part of me now, and some of them do still hurt, but that's okay too. And after 8 years, I still have bad days, though they don't come all that frequently anymore. Thank you for sharing some of your feelings with us.
I'll be back from time to time, if that's okay with you.

xxx Peggy

Jaki said...

my Dad has cancer and is enjoying the time he has left...I am trying to spend as much time as I can with him but he's at the opposite end of the state to me and I am finding it hard to be there as much as I want...I too feel angry for all the things I had planned when we move closer next year...I walk outside to hang the washing out and past a garden bed he made with the kids and cry then I am angry again that I can't just pack up and move closer right now then I cry again...

Julie said...

Hugs there Missy K. Like Tanya there isn't really much I can say that will make things better but I am thinking of you.

Bridgette said...

Sweet Kirsty i just want to give you the biggest hug and i truly think you are just the sweetest. I feel like you are a long time friend because you share so much of your life with us, so all i can say to you is,love your family and friends like you have never loved before, take in every moment and cherish it because who knows what's going to happen in life next :) keep on going sweets as sad and angry as you are things will get bettter big cyber hugs XX

Kristal said...

If there was one Blog that I follow that makes me feel like i "know" someone thru there posts. It is yours. I have never felt the greif that you are living with, I have never lost something that important/dear to me as what you have so I cannot tell you how to feel, what to feel or what is right or wrong. Anger sounds "normal" ..i have read greif is like a process...But i dont think something as life debilatating as excruiating loss lsoing people who centre your world can be written as a process. I guess the only thign you can do at times liek this is take it a moment at a time. Get hugs when you need them, cry when you need to. scream if you need to. Do what ever it is you have to do to get thru this. Your family sounds amazing and close .. My thoughts are with you xoxox

donna said...

(((hugs))) Kirst... I dont know what to say to help you through this honey...I just wish I was that little bit closer to give you that hug that you need right now... I am here honey if you ever need to talk to someone xxxooo

Krissy Christie said...

Sending massive {{huggles}} to you Kirsty, Ive been thinking of you heaps chickie

more {{hugs}}

Krissy xx

Tracy said...

Huggs to you.
I lost my dad a few months ago. And when the phone rings in the middle of the day, I still think its him. After watching a show we loved I want to phone him and discuss it with him.
Some days it just doesn't seem like he is even gone.

Kylie said...

Remember to give yourself a pat on the back for the strengh you have to simply keep going & rejoice in the small joys you have around you everyday. xx

Hill St Friend said...

sending hugs, hugs and hugs xxxxx