I really don't know what I am doing with this whole grief *thing*.
I had a good week, then this past week has been a bad week.
I miss her.
So much. And as cliched as it is, I am feeling angry. (Any reading on grief I have ever done tells me that anger is normal)
I'm not angry with mum. I am kinda angry with the world.
Everyone's tiny little problems seem so very inconsequential.
And then I feel guilty.
And then I feel sad.
None of these are the fun type of emotions to feel.
I just want her back. I am finally allowing myself to slowly touch on the fact that she isn't coming back. I hadn't tackled that bit yet. Not really. I don't even know how to do it.
And every now and then this week, that has hit me full force.
She was so full of fun and life and had so many plans and dreams. It doesn't seem right that she is gone.
I spoke to a beautiful lady during the week who lost her precious baby daughter last year. It was incredible to speak to someone who *gets* the very basics of what I am feeling. The memory lapses, the lack of attention span, the floundering, and yep, even the angry.
The first thing I went to do when I got home from talking to this lady was to ring mum to tell her about it.
I am just floundering.
I am trying. Really really trying to keep going with the wife/mum/daughter/work/uni stuff. But my heart isn't there.
Its down with my family.
As I said to Mick though, I don't even know if I really want to go down. Because being there just highlights the fact that the one I want to see isn't there.
I miss her.