Saturday, November 20, 2010

Not over it yet.

Someone asked my sister during the week if she was *still* sad about mum dying.
Yeah, apparently the greiving time allocated for losing the woman who loved you, raised you is about 4 months.
Apparently, my sister isn't healed yet. And her friend was surprised by this.
I am still devastated.
By the realization that I won't see her, be held by her or talk to her again.
And I know that people visiting here are probably over hearing about how sad I am, but if one person reads my *stuff* and realizes that its okay to be sad *still* after losing someone amazing in their life, then I am okay with still writing.
I am just so lost. *still*
I am so angry with people. Little things set me off. Reading Facebook status updates about someone being SO EXCITED about Christmas, when I am struggling to imagine my first Christmas without her.
Irrational? yes, absoltutely. But how I feel nonetheless.
I spoke to my dad the other day, and spent the rest of the day alternating between sobbing and being so angry that I could barely form a sentence.
He is hurting so very much. He has been let down by some people from whom he shouldn't have been let down by. Hurt by careless throw-away remarks. And I am hurting for him.
My whole heart wants to be down in Ballina with him. Helping him. Protecting him. And I am frustrated because I just can't.
And then because my heart is down there, I am doing a half a$$ed job here with my family.
I am struggling through a unit for university that I enrolled in way back in May. I enrolled in it, because it was going to be a snap, because my mum was going to help me. We had talked about it. And now she isn't helping. She's not here to ask advice. She's gone.
I am struggling with simple things, like keeping my house clean and keeping up to date with assignments, deadlines.
I feel a bit hollow.
I think the only thing keeping me slightly 'on track' are my happy pills. Yeah. So very thankful I was still taking them...I had wanted to stop earlier in the year, and my doctor recommended against it. *phew*
So yeah.
I am *still* sad. I am *still* not healed.
Sorry its taking so long.
I don't know what a normal time frame for this is.


Anonymous said...

Many.. many {{{{{HUGS}}}}}sent your way. Take your time..your mom was..well..your mom..How do you ever get over that. The good thing is you are an awesome scrapbooker and can preserve your/her memories with your little ones. MORE HUGS friend :)
Joanie :)

Kate said...

you cant help the way you feel darl, nor can your sister or anyone else who is or has been through the loss of a parent. i dont know what else to really say except that you are in my thoughts and everyone that is 'following' your blog are here to love you and listen xo

Pauline said...

Hi Kirsty....I lost my dad 3 years ago from Kidney Cancer and his birthday is on the 28th of November. I go to his special tree at the back of the farm on the hill were we sprinkled his ashes. And we sit there and talk about what is happening in our lives and how we miss him. Sometimes we take a cup of tea up there. Still plenty of crying done and that is normal. I always play the last video of my dad that was done about 4 Christmases ago (that is on my laptop) so I can hear his voice and how excited he was in sharing Christmas with Charlotte. I always feel sad at Christmas as my dad always made the cake (tradition in our family) and now it is me who makes it. I use my dads cake making/decorating utensils so part of him is still involved. Miss that he is not here to see Charlotte grow up.
So Kirsty when someone tells you, you should be over the grieving or their is a time frame- sock em one ( sorry for the violence, but obviously they have never lost someone so close)
There is no set grieving time, it just gets a little easier slowly with time. GREAT BIG HUGS to you and your family.

Love Pauline Allen

danndel said...

Hey Kirst, I don't believe that there is a time limit on grief it takes however long it takes, just do the best you can, what ever that is, its ok. Love you and I think your amazing.

Kerryn said...

Honey, I don't think you ever truly "get over it". The emptimess might lessen, you will smile and laugh and be happy again but you will never truly get over it. But that is because your Mum was so special to you and the hole her passing has left will always be there. Don't feel any pressure to put on a brave face for anyone. You have a wonderful amazing family and you will all help each other, no matter how long it takes.

Tanya Tahir said...

Oh Kirsty, my heart aches for you. There is no normal time frame for this. If people don't get that and are actually asking (your sister) if you are *still* sad about your mum...well those kind of people do not deserve to be in your life. I mean, really, come on? That is just insensitive and outride rude, if you ask me. Surround yourself with positive, caring, thoughtful people. Big hugs xxx

donna said...

Kirst honey, dont worry about what anyone else thinks... everyone deals with things differently, and no-one is right or wrong. Take all the time you need... I read your blog and always feel sad, for you and for me as I dont have a relationship with my mother as you did with yours... it was truly special honey... you are one lucky lady.
Have you been to see your doctor since your mum past honey? sometimes just a slight increase in your 'happy pills' can make all the diffence with how you are coping with everything..
I am always here if you need to chat
Love Donna xxx

jacqui jones said...

dont be sorry sweets, there is no time line what so ever.

how stupid can some people be?
i sadly know the answer to that every time someone says your still not over emilys accident, or is she still going to hospital!

if you write it i will read it, getting it all out has to help
and hey i did a half assed job of parenting for two years and mine r still happy and well adjusted, screw the house..:)

Tracy said...

I didn't realize that there was a time limit on grief.
My dad passed away 3 months ago. I drive by his apartment almost everyday (it is right by my home, I have to to get anywhere) so every day I look to see if anyone has moved into his (my, he didn't have a car) parking space. Everytime the phone rings, I still for a split second think it is him, he phoned me at least once a day.
There is no time limit on grief, just degrees of grief, some days are better then others.
Huggs to you.

Anonymous said...

You are loved.

Maria said...

Thinking of you. Everyones "time" is different. You just need to take each day as it comes. Some good some not so good. My best friend lost her sister (with no cause at 43) and I so wish there was someway I could make her pain better for her but I cant. Like you the pain is always there. I really wish you happy moments.

Sar said...

There is no timeframe, there is no one who can understand, the bond you and your mum shared was a one off and you'll never forget that, and bugger anyone who thinks you should be 'over it'. People can be so damn heartless. :(