Someone asked my sister during the week if she was *still* sad about mum dying.
Yeah, apparently the greiving time allocated for losing the woman who loved you, raised you is about 4 months.
Apparently, my sister isn't healed yet. And her friend was surprised by this.
I am still devastated.
By the realization that I won't see her, be held by her or talk to her again.
And I know that people visiting here are probably over hearing about how sad I am, but if one person reads my *stuff* and realizes that its okay to be sad *still* after losing someone amazing in their life, then I am okay with still writing.
I am just so lost. *still*
I am so angry with people. Little things set me off. Reading Facebook status updates about someone being SO EXCITED about Christmas, when I am struggling to imagine my first Christmas without her.
Irrational? yes, absoltutely. But how I feel nonetheless.
I spoke to my dad the other day, and spent the rest of the day alternating between sobbing and being so angry that I could barely form a sentence.
He is hurting so very much. He has been let down by some people from whom he shouldn't have been let down by. Hurt by careless throw-away remarks. And I am hurting for him.
My whole heart wants to be down in Ballina with him. Helping him. Protecting him. And I am frustrated because I just can't.
And then because my heart is down there, I am doing a half a$$ed job here with my family.
I am struggling through a unit for university that I enrolled in way back in May. I enrolled in it, because it was going to be a snap, because my mum was going to help me. We had talked about it. And now she isn't helping. She's not here to ask advice. She's gone.
I am struggling with simple things, like keeping my house clean and keeping up to date with assignments, deadlines.
I feel a bit hollow.
I think the only thing keeping me slightly 'on track' are my happy pills. Yeah. So very thankful I was still taking them...I had wanted to stop earlier in the year, and my doctor recommended against it. *phew*
I am *still* sad. I am *still* not healed.
Sorry its taking so long.
I don't know what a normal time frame for this is.