So many people have said over the past few weeks following mums illness and death that with time, things will get easier.
And I am sure they will. But I think it will be a LOOOONG period of time. The sort of time that I hate. I am very impatient.
What I AM finding in the meantime however, is that I am getting better at putting on my 'game face'.
I can go to the shops.
I can chat to people about unimportant things like the rain, or the weather.
I can smile.
I can joke.
I can pretend that I am okay.
Even when I am not.
Going out and putting on my 'game face' is exhausting.
I come home after pretending to be okay at work all day, and it takes me all weekend to be able to face people again.
I miss her. She was so much FUN!
She brought her own party wherever she went.
She was wonderful, and loving and everything that a mummy should be.
I just miss her.
Every moment of every day.
Its the little things, the unimportant things that get me.
Like the other day, I was in the shower, and one of the kids had left an aeroplane soap on the side of the bath. And that reminded me of the cake of cute soap (that looked like a slice of cake)that someone gave to her when she fell ill. The smell made her feel sick, so she gave it to me to give to the kids when mum and dad left for Brisbane.
And they loved it.
They used it all.
If I had known that it was the last thing she was going to give me, I would never have let them.
And just like that I was crying again.
Because I saw some soap.
I dream of her every night.
I often wake up with tears on my cheeks and my husband shaking me awake, because I have been crying in my sleep again.
This is one of may favourite photos. She sat there with us in the kitchen at my sister's engagement party, holding Micks hand. They really enjoyed each other's company, and I am forever grateful that she knew him and loved him. We used to joke that they were the president of each other's fan club :)
I just miss her, but I am slowly getting better at hiding it.
I am perfecting my 'game face'.